Schizophrenia.

I sat by the window, watching drops of rain slowly drip down, like the blood dripping down my face. I tried to ignore it, to let the smell of rust slowly drip over my lip. Maybe if I ignore it, it will go away. Maybe if I just cover my ears and close my eyes everything will change. I could open my eyes and be in a whole new place, an island where I’m alone, no one can hurt me. I will live off the land and everything will be just perfect. I opened my eyes and reality came crawling back. It was dark, darker than I ever thought possible for the middle of the day, the pieces of black wood holding the room together were broken, I don’t even know how the room was still standing. I looked out the window and all I could see were trees. Well that’s promising, I’m in the middle of nowhere, probably half bleeding to death and all I know is that there are millions of trees outside. Why did this have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? I licked my lips, the salty rust taste came back again. This taste has become so ordinary for me. I’m not even disgusted by it anymore. I’m not even frightened of the rodents that sniff at my legs when I fall asleep. Why did he have to come after me? Why did he take me away from my home and put me in his awful place? I don’t understand. He’s coming for me. I’m just waiting to hear those awful footsteps coming closer to the door. They’re imprinted in my mind, I can imagine the sound so perfectly I almost believe he is coming. Is he? I wake up, the smell of rust has returned to haunt me once again. I place my hand against my face and see the small pool of blood running down my arm. Not again. It’s funny how I can’t even remember what his face looks like. All I can remember is the loud thud of something hard hitting me. But he’s out there, i know he is. Waiting for me to fall asleep so he can hurt me once again. I draw patterns in my skin with my fingernail. Little white shapes appear and for some reason this seems to relax me. I am alive, everything will be okay. Maybe he just wont come back and everything will be fine. I will be able to walk out of this place and miraculously find my way home. Oh what’s the point in thinking like this, there’s no way that’s ever going to happen. He visits me every few hours, what’s the chance that I get away when he’s not coming to get me. Then let’s imagine, I get away, he knows where I live, he will just come and take me back again.I slide down the wall and my body hits the wooden floor hard. I rest my head against the window sill, my body seems to have nothing left. I feel like I have nothing left in me. All I am is just a matter of cells, combined to make one soulless being. I feel as though I am in a dream like I am watching the world from god’s perspective. I have all this power yet I feel so powerless. I could run out of this room right now, but he knows that I don’t have the courage to do so. He knows that I know if I run away he will find me. He will find me and hurt me all over again. I’m so sick of this pain, constant hurting, it’s almost numbed my body completely of feeling now. Maybe if I stay just a few days longer everything will be okay. Someone will find me. Or maybe I will just not feel anything anymore. My black hair falls over my eyes as I look to the ceiling, god please save me. I know you’re out there, get me out of this place. My hair looks like it has been dipped in a jar of red. The stench of rust returns once again. A smell I am never going to forget. I wake up. My head feels like it has been smashed with a baseball bat. This is it, i’m going to leave. I can’t take this any longer. The smell of rust is haunting me with each day, I must get out of here. I slowly make my way to the wooden door, completely covered in dust, it looks like no one has opened this door in days. I don’t understand, how did he do that? I slowly turn the handle as a family of small spiders crawl up my arm. Shaking them off, I make a run for it. Through the forest, the world of green. I run faster than I have ever ran before. I feel as though I am no longer in control of my body, it knows what it has to do. One leg in front of the other, back and forth until I reach a place that seems recognizable. How did I know where to run? This is getting more and more confusing as I go on. I keep going, almost robot-like, until I reach my street. I run up the stairs, grab the spare keys under the welcome mat and make a run for my room.I wake up. I did it! I’m safe, he hasn’t got me, I’m home. The smell of rust reappears and suddenly the intense feeling of fear comes back. What is happening to me? I’m home, why am I hurt? He’s coming back for me isn’t he. I crawl under my bed and cuddle my teddy bear that I was given on the day I was sent to hospital. The doctors told my parents that something was wrong with me, but all my parents could tell me was that I was different. That I had something added towards my personality that others did not have. I guess that means I’m special. My parents gave me these special little white things, you swallow them and apparently it makes my special talent calm down. I don’t want to show off too much my parents said. But I don’t believe a word they say. I didn’t take them all today, or yesterday or the week before yesterday. I want to be special. I want to feel like I have something that makes me different. I cuddle my teddy and spiral down into the world of sleep. I wake up. The smell of rust reappears. I touch my face with my finger, I look down and sure enough, it is as red as a tomato. What is wrong with me? I am away from this man, why is he still hurting me and why can’t I see him. I slowly walk towards the bathroom. Maybe I should listen to my parents, maybe I don’t want to be special. Maybe I should be happy being like everyone else, I’m sure they don’t smell rust every time they wake up. I don’t even remember falling asleep and my head feels as though it is the size of a hot air balloon. I open the door, my feet hit the cold tiles and it makes my body shudder. I look up into the mirror and he’s there. He’s back and he’s going to hurt me again. I throw myself towards him. I wake up. The smell of rust appears, and I look down. Glass is everywhere, a mosaic, a dance of broken, gleaming fragments. The picture of the man who almost finally got me. I look back into the piece of glass that is stuck in my arm and I see my face. The stench of rust reappears and for some reason, a sick feeling of déjà vu appears once again.