I hate reality.

Halloween.

I took these photographs today. I'm building up my portfolio for my interview for RMIT, UTS, etc.

Hardest of hearts.

There is love in your body but you can't hold it in
It pours from your eyes and spills from your skin
Tenderest touch leaves the darkest of marks
And the kindest of kisses break the hardest of hearts

The hardest of hearts
The hardest of hearts
The hardest of hearts

There is love in your body but you can't get it out
It gets stuck in your head, won't come out of your mouth
Sticks to your tongue and shows on your face
That the sweetest of words have the bitterest taste

Darling heart, I loved you from the start
But you'll never know what a fool I've been
Darling heart, I loved you from the start
But that's no excuse for the state I'm in

The hardest of hearts
The hardest of hearts
The hardest of hearts

There is love in our bodies and it holds us together
But pulls us apart when we're holding each other
We all want something to hold in the night
We don't care if it hurts or we're holding too tight

There is love in your body but you can't get it out
It gets stuck in your head, won't come out of your mouth
Sticks to your tongue and it shows on your face
That the sweetest of words have the bitterest taste

Darling heart, I loved you from the start
But you'll never know what a fool I've been
Darling heart, I loved you from the start
But that's no excuse for the state I'm in

The hardest of hearts
The hardest of hearts
The hardest of hearts

My heart swells like a water at work
Can't stop myself before it's too late
Hold on to your heart
'Cause I'm coming to take it
Hold on to your heart
'Cause I'm coming to break it

Hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on
Hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on
The hardest of hearts (hold on, hold on)
The hardest of hearts (hold on, hold on)
The hardest of hearts (hold on)

Songs on Repeat.

Hey, it's alright my life has never been a bed of roses.

26th October 2009.

I miss my piercings.

25th October 2009.

I would really like the christmas holidays to begin soon, i'm already in need of another holiday. I'm pretty excited about them because i'm going to melbourne, maybe getting my lip pierced again, i have heaps of photoshoots and i am writing the first draft of my story for extension two. I have actually written a few paragraphs already to get the idea of where i'm going. Right now i'm reading 'The Shipping News' for extension one and 'The Skin of a Lion' for advanced. I am really enjoying them. I read 'Falling Petals' for drama and decided it was not the text i was going to use for my individual project, next on my list is 'The Tempest'. So, i'm basically living in my glasses right now, there's no point in taking them off. I've had like a zillion showers today, drunk a lot of champage, read pages and pages of books, watched a lottt of the crime channel, taken hundreds of photos and made a shitload of pasta. Oh, and i also learnt 'Kiss with a Fist' and 'My Boy Builds Coffins' by Florence and the Machine this weekend, so i'm singing heaps.

My boy builds coffins for better or worse. Some say its a blessing, some say its a curse. He fits them together in sunshine or rain. Each one is unique, no two are the same.

Get me out.

I fucking hate living at home.
Get me out of this hell hole.
I can hear what you say to dad about me, mum.
Stop telling me i don't deserve to be loved.
Stop telling me i'm a lazy worthless selfish girl.
Stop telling me everyone else in the world is better than me.
Stop making me feel like i want to die, every single fucking day.
Stop telling doctors/councellors i'm the one with the problems.
They all tell me i'm not. YOU are the problem.
Stop telling me i caused her to make a decision like that.
Stop treating my dad like shit and taking him for granted.
Stop listening in on my phone calls, look at my texts, facebook.
Stop making me feel like i can't have anyone stay over.
Stop making me feel like i am a complete and utter failure.
Stop telling me to never have children because they ruin your life.
Stop judging everyone based on their looks and ignore their personality.
Stop telling me who to be friends with and who to get rid of.
Stop telling me i need to do exercise, and then tell me i'm sick.
Stop telling your friends about my past, they treat me differently.
Stop thinking i'm the most rebellious girl in the world, i'm really not.
Stop telling me i can't listen to metal and you hate my hair.
Stop telling me i can't drive, because it's too hard for me to do.
Stop telling me my writing style is depressing and should change.
Stop telling me i was sick for attention and never supporting me.
Stop making me do everything difficult on my own.
Stop being so selfish. Our house isn't yours. It's ours.
Stop treating me like i am ten years old, i have overcome things much greater than you have, you'd think you'd actually support me.
Stop keeping me up all night, screaming, just to annoy me.
Stop staring at me, with this smirk on your face.
Stop ruining my social life and then telling me i isolate myself.
Stop telling me it's not okay to just be me.
Just. Stop.

24th October 2009.

I took these today.

My heart is frozen still.. as i try to find the will, to forget you somehow.

23rd October 2009.

Insanity rising.
This intense feeling of ambivelence is driving me crazy.
I come to a conclusion, then something fucks it all up.
I can't help what i feel, but should i just try and ignore it?
I really don't know anymore. I feel like i have no say.
This is consuming me.

Meet me on the Equinox.

Meet me on the Equinox
Meet me half way
When the sun is perched at it's highest peek
In the middle of the day
Let me give my love to you
Let me take your hand
As we walk in the dimming light
Or darling understand
That everything, everything ends
That everything, everything ends
Meet me on your best behavior
Meet me at your worst
For there will be no stone unturned
Or bubble left to burst
Let me lay beside you,
Darling
Let me be your man
And let our bodies intertwine
But always understand
That everything, everything ends
That everything, everything ends
That everything, everything, everything ends
A window
An opened tomb
The sun crawls
Across your bedroom
A halo
A waiting room
Your last breaths
Moving through you
As everything, everything ends
As everything, everything ends
As everything, everything, everything
Everything, everything, everything ends
Meet me on the Equinox
Meet me half way
When the sun is perched at it's highest peek
In the middle of the day
Let me give my love to you
Let me take your hand
As we walk in the dimming light
Or darling understand
That everything, everything ends.

22nd October 2009.

School has improved soo much already. Triple studies most days, both extension classes i am finding to be extremely interesting, no more maths, the digital photography course is starting and geography has moved onto a topic i am interested in. Yippee. I'm also starting yoga again next week and my sunburn is almost gone. I wish it would rain..

21st October 2009.

Love is just a socially accepted form of madness.

I. don't. know. how. I. feel. anymore.
About everything.
What do i do?
I don't know.
I'm a bundle of confusion.
I feel unwilling to go on.
I know what i want.
But that doesn't matter anymore.
Does it?
What do i do?
Will it be my heart or will it be hers?
I understand your confusion.
So i guess i should just hold my tongue.
No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
YES.
I need this.
I felt it.
It was there.
It can't have gone.
Come back to me.
Confusion.
Nonsense.
Vomit.
Hurt.
Crave.
Lust.
Love.
You're more than in my head.
Please.
You are the one.
Be alone with me.
We fit.
Puzzle piece to puzzle piece.
Let it be.
Don't fight it.
Please.
Love.
There's nothing left in me.
It's gone.
I'm ready.
I'm ready for it.
Are you?
King of my heart.
Owner and keeper.
I crave you.
Fallen.
Completely.
I know now.
I love you.
I ache.
Yearn.
Thought.
Emotion.
Lack of sleep.
Increase in words.
Decrease in meanings.
One.
Plus.
One.
Without you... pointless.
Everything.
No meaning.
No want.
No desire.
No love.
No colour.
You.
Me.
Please.
You and me.
Complete.

The study of epistemology is really fascinating me right now.

"Epistemology is the branch of philosophy that studies knowledge. It attempts to answer the basic question: what distinguishes true (adequate) knowledge from false (inadequate) knowledge? Practically, this questions translates into issues of scientific methodology: how can one develop theories or models that are better than competing theories? It also forms one of the pillars of the new sciences of cognition, which developed from the information processing approach to psychology, and from artificial intelligence, as an attempt to develop computer programs that mimic a human's capacity to use knowledge in an intelligent way."

20th October 2009.

First day of year twelve. I found out i came first in my year for photography and that pretty much made my day. I'm so happy that i got first in something, haha. I got my idea for my english extension major work, which takes a lot of stress of me and i've also decided to do costume design as my IP for drama instead of a monologue. I have two novels i have to read, then re-read in the time of around two, three months. I also have to annotate basically every page. Thankyou to whoever invented post-its. I'm actually really looking forward to this year, aside from religion class. I just can't seem to find an interest in it. I tried to take it as a history subject, but everytime the teacher says something remotely Catholic i fall back into the stage of hating religion. It's so cult-like. I've pretty much given up on having faith in anything. "You're lead such an instable life." My mother said that to me today and i suppose in a way she is right and in another she is completelty incorrect. I know where i want to go in life, I have morals and I know what I like and don't like. I go to school. I live at home. I do my homework. I eat the food my parents make and i help whenever i can. I think that's pretty stable.. Or maybe she was talking about my emotional state. I'm not entirely sure. I know what she means in a way. I am undeniably impulsive. I decided to move high schools on a whim one night, the next day i was there. I overthink everything yet i am impulsive. I am a walking contradiction. The world makes no sense to me. I seem to live in my own little world and use escape-ism as often as i can. I don't really give a fuck what you think of me. I used to be so self concious and now, it's like i don't even give it room to house itself in my brain. Maybe that's why i like being one on one with people, you feel as though there is no one in the world apart from yourself and the other, the feeling of euphoria takes over your body and reality and the concept of time is inexistant.

You dream what i'm dreaming, and see what i'm seeing.

19th October 2009.

Today was an interesting day to say the least. I got epic sunburn on my left arm and right upper boob, found out i got into the top english class for year twelve and had a wonderful time with Seb. I've been really into Bon Iver lately. Been singing 'skinny love' constaaantly. It's so mellow, i love it and the vocals are done so well. Being with Seb was really nice, he makes me laugh so hard. It was beautiful where we were sitting, birds chirping, flowers, little river, it made me appreciate the environment i live in. It has the ability to be beautiful, i've just been too busy to notice it. Eugh, my sunburn is stinging. I'm really going to try super hard this year in school. I mean, it is only a year left and i want to feel like i have achieved something, like, coming first in photography would be great. I just want it to be overrrr. I need a bubble bath. Goodnight world.

18th October 2009.

My laptop is still working, even after my mother spilt a whole bottle of water completely over the keyboard. Everything is working but the left shift key. It's starting to really bug me because i am not very used to using the right one and i keep writing 1 instead of ! and =9 instead of =(. It is the last day of the holidays and i have mixed feelings about going back to school. It'll be great to catch up with all my friends and to start the digital photography course but i'm finding it really hard to get up in the morning. Sometimes it can be difficult holding up my mask of happiness for such a long period of time. If there is one thing i really despise it is when people ask me if i'm okay. I hate that. I'm not really okay but i don't want to tell you every single time you ask me how i am going. Sure, i have my moments where i am very happy and content but it does fall back to my original state of depression once again, it doesn't take very long. I know what i need to make me completely happy, but i just can't have that right now or maybe even ever. I've always got my photography though. Basically, i'm just trying to take life a day at a time. On a side note, toasted sandwiches are REALLY NICE. Especially with melted cheese, mmm. My parents have decided to drag me out to lunch, to 'get me out in the sun for my much needed vitamin D'. I also have a shitload of reading to do for extension two tomorrow which i haven't started yet. It's probably around 3 hours reading. And i'm also trying to finish 'The Dice Man' before i have to start reading texts for school. It is an absolutely fascinating book, i reccommend it. Summer fruits are coming out now and boy am i happy about that. NECTARINEEE and MANGOEEEESSSSS =] Anyway. I'm going to lunch now. Ta ta.

Vent.

....you stupid idiot.

This is so hard. I tell myself i am okay when you're not by my side but i'm not. I want to be with you all the time, but really, we barely have any time together at all. I wish things could be different. I hate where i am right now. I want to be finished school and ready to start something i so badly want. Maybe you don't want it. NO ONE could love you as much as i do. I can promise you that. I hate seeing you hurt and unhappy. I want to show you a life we can both have. I want to lead you into the world i always wanted to show you. I know you don't like your smile, but i love it. It makes my heart warm and for a second i feel a moment of pure perfection. When you kissed me everything felt right. You felt it too, i know you did. The first time i saw you, i was hooked. You have something.. i can't explain what it is. I love the way seeing you makes me feel. I barely have the energy to see people anymore, but the thought of being with you makes everything seem better. You ask why i stare at you and smile? Because, fuck, i'm so happy to be in your presence. I am going to spill my heart out and i don't care what anybody else thinks. I am in love with you and have been for a very long time. The thought of you with someone else makes me want to be dead. You are holding my heart captive and i can't love anyone else the way i love you. I know you know how that feels. My love for you scares the shit out of me. I tell myself i can survive without you.. but there's so way in hell i can. I remember when you were flat out blunt honest to me, saying we won't ever be together and at that moment my soul shattered. Something has changed though, hasn't it? I have crossed the terrifying bridge of love and i'm not afraid to tell myself, that i do, completely, irreversibly, unconditionally, love you and always will.

I'm drained but aching for more. And the devil inside is reading. The words of the saddest poem. To be engraved on the stone of my grave. I'd kill to share your pain. And sell my soul for you just to say.. I dream what you're dreaming. And feel what you're feeling. I'd take my life for your kiss. And lose it all to take you across the abyss.

In this happiness, I am so damn lonely.

I'm back from Sydney, was better than i expected. Got some shopping in, wrote some songs and had a great time hanging out with Seb. Now i'm back home and it just hit me that i start year twelve not tomorrow but the next day. Blargh. Oh, i saw my doctor in Sydney too and he told me i can slowly ease off my medicine, which is awesome news, because it didn't really do anything but make me feel worse. I feel different. I think sometimes you can have small periods of time in your life that make you grow up and mature at an extreme rate. I just had one of those. It was nice to see my family give me some more independence. I had a great time just walking around the city, catching trains, buses, exploring, without having to tell someone where i'm going. I'm not really looking forward to going back to school, but i suppose it is good in a way because it means the christmas holidays are closer. I've been singing a lot more lately, writing more songs. I have so much that i want to express, i'm feeling so many feelings.

Eh. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking.

It appears mr sofa has been replaced with mr floor. I had a lovely little nap on mr floor the other day. Floor is the new black it seems.

So i'm job hunting at the moment. I got half hired to work at an art gallery, one person said yes to hiring me on the spot and the other said he wanted more time to think. Gah. So i'm going to go and apply at other places in the area. I really want to work in an art gallery though!

I had an awesome night last night at Patricks. It really cheered me up. Mum's gone all crazy bitch on me again so it was nice to get away. We watched Saw. Pretty much the epitome of what i believe a horror should be like.

Marylin Manson concert is on tonight. I am so unbelievably jealous of whoever is going.

Too little, too late.

Today was a rather nice and relaxing day. I woke up and made pancakes with mum. The first one was amazing, the size of a plate and i ate it all. The rest... well lets just say it all went downhill from there. I had to do the shopping because mum's sick and i spent aaages trying to find fire starters. We went to Wildfoods and bought really nice pasta and i had a look around, they have really nice tea there. I came home and took a few pictures, one of me and a zillion of my hands painted different colours.

It was beautiful outside, pouring with rain. I went inside to wash the paint off and boy did it not want to leave. Finally it started to slowly wash away and now i'm left with a beautiful green tinge ;) I'm planning on reading my extension two readings and have a bubble bath whilst contemplating what character i want to develop for my year twelve drama monologue. I want to do a comedy/parody type performance. One week left of holidays. I'm going to start to make the most of them. Photoshoots, shopping, cooking, cleaning, writing, partying here i come. Sorry mr sofa and bed, you'll have to find a new best friend.

Reality.

I told my therapist about you.

I miss my lip piercing.
In fact i miss lots of things.

It's been three months since i've been to a councellor, therapist, psychologist. My choice purely. All they seem to do it bring up the past and complicate the situation. It seems like my situation cannot be simplified by talking to a stranger, even if they have a uni degree. I almost felt cruel by telling them that i no longer wanted to talk to them. It is as though we developed some sort of a relationship. A bond of emotion. I'm ready to break the bond. I want to get over this by myself. It's how i get over everything else. I taught myself to ride a bike, how to swim, how to draw, how to paint, how to sing, how to cook and how to play the saxophone. Who says i can't teach myself how to live life? I over analyse everything. Unbelievably. To have another person analyse my analysis just seems ridiculous. They don't know me. They don't even take me seriously and when they do it's for a stupid thing like relapsing. I can't help it. This is why they are supposed to be helping me! Thanks for telling my doctor all my private details. But you know, you HAD to, for my well being. Pffft. "You could've died from that!" Oh yeah. You know. I swallowed a bunch of pills and downed a bottle of vodka for a bit of a laugh. You stupid idiots. I warned you. You didn't take me seriously, you never do, until i actually do something, then i get in trouble for it but still get told i'm not seriously sick enough. Some people are really stupid. Even though they have studied the human brain for years on end. There's this thing that i do. Smile. It doesn't necessarily mean i am happy inside does it. But apparently you are too stupid to see. I haven't lost 10kgs so i MUST be fine, right. You are so blind. I don't need a person to tell me how to live my life anymore. You all have no idea what you are talking about. END VENT.

I don't really feel like these holidays are as good as they could be. I seem to be constantly staying in bed, staying at home. I mean, i've had some pretty good days out but my anxiety seems to get the better of me in every situation. I'm going to be going to Sydney on the 15th. Being forced to see a doctor. But the rest of the time i get to wander around the city, which is great. I'm going to do some shopping and take photographs.

I think i'm isolating myself. I'm not really seeing anyone except for a certain few. I want to run away for a week. Take my camera and go stay in the country. It would rain everyday and i could listen to music as loud as i wanted. I could make pancakes for dinner and pasta for breakfast.

mark the cobra snake

Pure brilliance.

I love my garden.

I want to run away from this place.
Run away from absolutely everything.

Sometimes i just want to be anonymous.

I feel like having an out of control night with some of the best people in the world.