Will be getting this tattoo in three months.

I love the look of thin legs in photographs. Especially in B&W.

All the fucking time.

Sometimes I wish I could swap bodies with people. Not out of jealousy but curiosity. Sometimes I want to know if what I feel is normal. I want to see the world from another pair of eyes. I want to discover things I could not do in my situation. I want to experience all I can. I think everyone wants a chance to do that.

10 things i’ll tell my children when they’re old enough to understand.

1. You will come across music that not many people are into. Like what you like. Take the time to understand what you hear. Music makes the world go round. Listen to everything in the song. The beat, the sound, the voice, the lyrics, the meaning. Take it all in. Lyrics will make you cry sometimes. But that just means that you can relate. And being able to know that there is someone out there that knows exactly how you’re feeling, is one of the most amazing feelings in the world.

2. Stay true to yourself. Once you know who you are, don’t change. Don’t let the bitterness of your peers bring you down. Enjoy the beauty of the world, look past all the flaws. Remember to breathe.

3. Don’t be afraid to fall in love. Forget the judgements, love is love. Take the risk of the fall. Let yourself be happy. Live for the moment. Forget about the future. Forget about the past. Cherish what you have.

4. At one point, your heart will feel broken. Your mind will be consumed with pessimistic thoughts, and there will be no other time in your life that you will be thinking as much as you will when something bad happens in your life. Try not to let it get the best of you. Live for what you have. Remember what you have. As much as you’re going to want to think that you have nothing, make sure you turn around.

5. Be kind. Be blunt. Be rude. Be sarcastic. Be lovely. Be original. Be whoever you want to be, but be friends with everyone. Enemies will come and go, but don’t hold grudges. You will like and dislike, but still find the decency to be civilized.

6. You’ll grow, and you’ll want to try new things. Don’t be afraid to, but always listen to your gut instinct. It does not matter what you do or how you do it, but it does matter if you have a good heart. Love everything at one point or another. If you can’t explain how you feel, write it down. Keep it for a time you’ll need it.

7. You will dwell on things that have happened in the past, but remember that sometimes it’s okay to let go. You will at some point have to let go of someone, and even when it feels like they’re gone, you will still have their memory. That is what matters.

8. Make love. Nothing more, nothing less.

9. Don’t follow a trend. Start one.

10. Lay in bed and listen to the rain. Go for a walk when it’s the perfect day. Spend time with people that are worth spending time with. Laugh at moments that aren’t worth laughing at. Smile when it’s the right moment. Kiss someone you know you’re in love with. Dream. Rebel.

Things are pretty... interesting at the moment. There's a lot of stuff going on. Pretty much complete my extension two english major work on mental illness, which is a relief. Now i'm onto my second major which is costume design for the play The Tempest. I have a looot of drawing to do. School starts on Tuesday, which is dissapointing. I'm also getting my hips pierced soon which will be sweet. Going to take some photographs tomorrow. I'm loving the Autumn look right now, the orange leaves and bare trees. I'm really working on getting my portfolio done for uni entry. I can't believe I'm applying for uni in four months.

How i feel right now.

Bertie Blackman.

Sunday, 18th April.

I'm feeling quite strong right now, but at the same time so weak. I'm completely set on where I am heading and that makes things just that little bit easier. I'm trying so hard to do well at school, but I'm constantly reminding myself that it is not everything, that I don't need to wear myself out, I just need to try my hardest. I haven't taken photographs in such a long time and it's starting to take an affect on me. Today I am going to get out there, go for a walk and take pictures of just about everything I see, hopefully I will find something beautiful. I had a stomach flu for a week and that really got me down, now it seems I have a cold. My immune system is down and the timing could not be worse. So, now I'm trying to healthen myself up a bit. Less social drinking/smoking and more going for walks and feeding myself good food. I think my body is screaming for me to do that right now. Now, I adore winter. I love snuggling up near the fireplace, the fashion, the fact that it means my birthday is fast approaching but I need sunshine. Without sunlight I feel dark and a bit lost. I've been told I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Which generally means your mood is affected by the weather. When it's sunny my mood is generally a lot better than that of a dark day. Which is somewhat ironic as I adore rainy days. Next Tuesday I am going into my last real term of school ever. It's pretty stressful because the majority of my subjects are major work based, meaning they are due in August, but that does mean less pressure when it comes to the exams. By the end of August extension two english will be out of the way completely. I cannot wait till that day. A night at the pub will be in order. Life is just that little brighter because of a certain boy. He treats me so well and it's scary how alike we are and how happy he makes me. I'm very lucky. Tomorrow will be our one month anniversary of being together and it's just gone by so quickly. Time is flying. I can't believe I will be eighteen in three months. I mean, I feel it, I just can't believe it. Time is such a crazy concept. Life is okay at the moment, I feel stable and I haven't felt that in quite some time.

Leopard print tights can look amazing when worn well.

April 15 2010.

Taken today. I love my boots. I kicked a door down in these babies.
Attempting to do schoolwork but I just have no motivation right now.
I've had a stomach flu for a full week now; feeling better today, hoorah.
I regret choosing to do four major works for the HSC. Less exams though.
I like talking in points. As you can see here. Points. Points. Points.
Lesson learnt: never get tipsy/drunk with a stomach flu. Felt terrible.
Going to take some photographs today. First time in ages.
I have a full day at school tomorrow, despite being holidays. DRAMA WORKSHOP BABY.
We're starting our group performances soon and I am totally excited.
I'm thinking I might get my other cartilage and tragus pierced.
Also, I very much need to get my motorbike licence.
Aaaaand, I've decided to go to Sydney for uni, not Melbourne.
I suppose you could call this a little update on my life.
I'm rid of all the shitheads and have some of the best friends in the world now.
Three months and 13 days till i am eighteen. Not that i'm counting.
And i'd just like to take the time to exclaim my love for Dylan Moran and good showers; preferably together.

Do you ever get that feeling that someone is watching you? You could be lying in bed or having a shower and eyes burn in the back of your head. Do you swiftly turn your head, do a full 360 around your being, just to make sure something or someone is not really there? Then it hits you, maybe you just can’t see them. Someone is always looking. Maybe not at you, but at your situation. You are never invisible. You are never inexistent and you are never irrelevant. Your actions, combined with the actions of the world’s population create the world you live in. You are all born for the soul purpose of living a life. You are all decaying matter that will one day reach its use by date. Your existence aids the world of dominoes. One action, leading to an endless cycle of further ones.

Science to Fear.

There's a science to fear it plagues my mind and it keeps us right here
and the less we know, the more we sit still. My baby's stuck on a road that lead to nowhere, nowhere, nowhere.

Heaven knows i'm miserable now.

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows i'm miserable now.

So, i'd really like to be a singer in an alternative rock band.
Just sayin'.

I make too many mistakes.

"I’ve been making a list of things they don’t teach you at school. They don’t teach you how to love somebody. They don’t teach you how to be famous. They don’t teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don’t teach you how to walk away from someone you don’t love any longer. They don’t teach you how to know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. They don’t teach you what to say to someone who’s dying. They don’t teach you anything worth knowing."
— Neil Gaiman

You know what's sad?

The fact that I can't even remember who I was before I was on these drugs. Three years of being on these things have sucked away my ability to feel. To feel something other than what i've been medicated to feel. I can't stop taking them and I can't bear to live on them. I'm stuck.

Nom.

NOM.

What amounts to a dream anymore?