I'm sorry.

I don't feel well tonight. Everything is getting to me. Getting to me in some magnified way. Things that didn't used to upset me do and problems I overcame are coming back again. When I go to therapy they tell me this is normal. To feel the way I do. To feel angry, depressed, impulsive, exhausted and completely anxious. I find myself not wanting to eat because everytime I do I feel sick. It doesn't feel right. I was okay. I was healing and I was starting to feel well. But now I feel like I've taken a huge step back. My body is overcome with emotion. Hands clammy, heart pounding, eyes tearing and nausea rising. I feel like this everday. Everyday at some point in time, I feel as though my life is over, there's nothing left, I've fucked up and there's nothing I can do to fix it. I hurt people, not just one. I hurt them and I didn't even realise what I was doing. I'm sorry. To everyone I ever hurt. I am. I am 100% fucking sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone. In fact, my nature is quite the opposite. I have a heart, I care more than most people ever would and I'm terrible unstable. Whenever I see you, I feel my body collapse and my heart beat just that little bit slower because I know you will never look at me the same way again. My anger is rising and I can feel myself losing control. I want to scream, kick, punch, tear, rip, smash... until I feel at peace. I can cry and cry and cry and drink and smoke and fuck and ignore it all, but when it comes down to it, it's always there, in the back of my mind.