Time is the enemy.

Christmas really creeped up on me this year. I just realised it is in five days time. I started my christmas shopping today. It's funny how things change. Three years ago I made the christmas tree go up on the first of December, despite my family saying they felt it was too early. I begged for gifts, not just in a greedy 'i want moneeeey' type way but because they could sit under the tree and look nice. I made sure we always saw family on the day and spent ages under the tree shaking the presents in the hope of discovering what they were but at the same time not wanting to ruin the surprise. Now I find myself not in the least bit excited, christmas is just another day, another commerical ploy to make us spend our money on their products. Maybe I have become more cyncial or maybe I've just grown up. I wish my family was bigger. Being an only child is harder than what most people think. You have all your parent's wishes in the palm of your hand. They want a perfect, smart girl who likes sport and writing. What if you aren't that? Well, if there's more children, hey, give up on the one who wasn't what you wanted to be and focus on another. Being an only child pushes you into the spotlight and if you mess up, your parents DO know. They make all the more fuss, they get angry just that little bit more and the big one, they get unbelievably dissapointed. You are 'the one'. The child. The only child. If you mess up that's it. There's no backup or understudy, you're it and you screwed up. I don't think I can handle that very much anymore. I want to surround myself with friends and family. It significantly lifts my mood and intellectually it is the best thing I could do for myself. My best writing has come from observing others. For this year especially, with my short story, I seem to be observing everything and it really changed the way I see the world. I'm taking my time to sit and to look. Something I never really took the time to do and it shocked me. The world is filled with beauty. It's overwhelming. I want to touch it, photograph it and keep it with me forever but I know that is impossible. Beauty is born every second, everyday.