First day of 2010.
And i'm ready for a new start.

Some people are just born with tragedy in their blood.

Time will help you through, but it doesn't have the time, to give you all the answers to the neverending why.

I dreamt about you last night.
I felt the happiest I had ever been.
I thought it was real.

Then I realised..
Will my dreams ever come true?
I don't want to wait anymore.

I taste death in every kiss we share
Every sundown seems to be the last we have
Your breath on my skin has the scent of our end
I'm drunk on your tears, Baby, can't you see it's hurting
Every time we touch we get closer to heaven
And at every sunrise our sins are forgiven
You on my skin this must be the end
The only way you can love me is to hurt me again
And again
And again
And again
Your love is a razorblade kiss
Sweetest is the taste from your lips
Your love is a razorblade kiss
Sweetest is the taste from your lips
Oh the taste from your lips, my Darling
Taste from your lips, oh my Love
Only inside I'm free
I'm tired of waiting
You've got to let me dream inside you baby
I'm not afraid to feel
I want you to love me
Cause you are the one
Cause you are the one
Cause you are the one
Your love is a razorblade kiss
Sweetness is the taste from your lips
Your love is a razorblade kiss
Sweetest is the taste from your lips
Your love is a razorblade kiss
Sweetest is the taste from your lips
Your love is a razorblade kiss
Sweetest is the taste from your lips.

It's hard to make the good things last.

For the past three years I have watched Love Actually on christmas eve, just before I go to sleep. That is one christmas tradition I intend to keep.

Time is the enemy.

Christmas really creeped up on me this year. I just realised it is in five days time. I started my christmas shopping today. It's funny how things change. Three years ago I made the christmas tree go up on the first of December, despite my family saying they felt it was too early. I begged for gifts, not just in a greedy 'i want moneeeey' type way but because they could sit under the tree and look nice. I made sure we always saw family on the day and spent ages under the tree shaking the presents in the hope of discovering what they were but at the same time not wanting to ruin the surprise. Now I find myself not in the least bit excited, christmas is just another day, another commerical ploy to make us spend our money on their products. Maybe I have become more cyncial or maybe I've just grown up. I wish my family was bigger. Being an only child is harder than what most people think. You have all your parent's wishes in the palm of your hand. They want a perfect, smart girl who likes sport and writing. What if you aren't that? Well, if there's more children, hey, give up on the one who wasn't what you wanted to be and focus on another. Being an only child pushes you into the spotlight and if you mess up, your parents DO know. They make all the more fuss, they get angry just that little bit more and the big one, they get unbelievably dissapointed. You are 'the one'. The child. The only child. If you mess up that's it. There's no backup or understudy, you're it and you screwed up. I don't think I can handle that very much anymore. I want to surround myself with friends and family. It significantly lifts my mood and intellectually it is the best thing I could do for myself. My best writing has come from observing others. For this year especially, with my short story, I seem to be observing everything and it really changed the way I see the world. I'm taking my time to sit and to look. Something I never really took the time to do and it shocked me. The world is filled with beauty. It's overwhelming. I want to touch it, photograph it and keep it with me forever but I know that is impossible. Beauty is born every second, everyday.

Perception.

Sometimes I have these epic moments in my mind where I ask myself, am I really as different as I feel? Do I really stick out like a sore thumb? Am I seen as just a typical teenage girl? I feel like I have so much to give but no chance to show it. I can see it, but no one else can. I can think things and no one else can hear them. I can see myself as the polar opposite to what the world can see me as. Perception is a funny thing. I'm trying to figure out if I would rather my own or the world's.

My body is a cage that keeps me from dancing with the one I love but my mind holds the key. I'm standing on a stage of fear and self-doubt, it's a hollow play but they'll clap anyway. I'm living in an age that calls darkness light, though my language is dead, still the shapes fill my head. My body is a cage. We take what we're given, just because you've forgotten that don't mean you're forgiven. I'm living in an age that screams my name at night, but when I get to the doorway there's no one in sight.

Those three words, are said too much, but not enough.

Seems it's just you and me. The power of music should never be underestimated.

Got my lip piercing today. All went well but I feel pretty terrible because i have tonsilitis.

My 100th post.

Today has been a longggg day. Went to Picton to get my lip pierced with Esther and Patrick, but that fell through when mum found out I was going behind her back, so Pat and i just spent the day hanging around Mac Square. I came home thinking I was in for the yelling of a lifetime but instead she sits me down, asks me not to do it without her and tells me she will come with me to get it tomorrow. Super surprised. So I agreed. Tomorrow I'm getting it done :) Biggest relief.

Spiller's alien, which made me laugh uncontrollably for a very long time.

And after, we decided to make it prettier:

Planning on getting my lip pierced sometime this week.
My old one. I miss you.

I'm actually attempting to start my first of four assements, in the holidays. This doesn't seem natural, HOLIDAYS, spent inside doing assessments. I shouldn't complain, i've had some fucking brilliant times in the past week or so. But I can just see this vivid image, of my teachers planning to give the class assessments over the holidays and laughing their heads off as they rub their hands together gleefully. Teachers are just a lower form of serial killer, slowly killing people off one by one, mentally in this case, physically too... I recall almost overdosing on caffeine and getting through a week on only six hours sleep. Here's some advice for the slave workers we have to deal with: get drunk, go chuck your work/assessment ideas in the bin and have a lotttt of sex. That should fix everything. Please try it. I want a holiday.

Glow Worm.

With miles to drive
On a cerebral highway
Where it leads our hearts to
That empire where all unfolds
We drag our knees
Through these badlands
And we hurt ourselves
Just to feel anything
In the mecca of us
We all glow forever
With cobwebbed eyes
An affair with the puppets
You've seemed to have forgotten
And now you sleep with the rats all alone
I held you so warm
Like a brother part of you in a part of me so spoiled
I cut you off like a cancer
In the mecca of us
We all glow forever
It's simple
How you complete my core
So potent in your eyes
To move mountains
To burn skies
We've broken
Our arms and throats
For our portraits
Demons or not
It doesn't make a difference to me
I'm so tired of screaming
In the mecca of us
We all glow forever.

Thankyou, for everything. I will never forget what we had.
You are my best friend and will always be in my heart.
I promise you that.

I need a cuddle and a bottle of vodka.

I'm confused. Yet, i'm not. I'm a walking contradiction.

There's so much to say but it won't come out properly. It's almost as though I'm getting drunk to let it finally come out, so I can accept it and move on. I need to say it out loud but I cant. This hurts and I can't seem to accept anything right now. I keep on growing and changing, i've realised what I need and what I want are two very different things. I wish I could just be brave, but i'm not ready.

It’s okay to care too much. It’s okay to love someone you shouldn’t. It’s okay to rebel a little. It’s okay to not worry. It’s okay to act recklessly. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to whine. It’s okay to be you. It’s okay to do what you want. It’s okay to be pissed off. It’s okay to like what you want. It’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay. And if it’s not, it will be.

Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.

I wish I knew what my dreams were trying to tell me.

Say a prayer, to yourself, he says "close your eyes, sometimes it helps". Then I get a scary thought, that he's here means he's never lost. And you can see my heart, beating, oh you can see it through my chest, that i'm terrified.

By tomorrow morning all this extension one english stress will be gone.
Until then... I am in hell. I have never written so much.
You better be proud of me mumma.
Summer holidays in 17hrs.
Thankyou Jesus.

In fear and faith.

It's that start stop and go you've been dying for.

Congratulations, go home now.

Just 'cause I love playing with lighters.

White trash.

I just don't know what to do with myself.

I look at this photo and wish I could live in that moment, where the wave is frozen in time. I want to lie down on the sand and look, notice every single ripple and drop. This is why I chose to be a photographer, because these moments are too perfect to let pass.

Fuck i need to get out of the house.
It appears that with a lack of social life comes a rise in insanity.
I am in constant need of company, and i don't think that's normal.
Nothing seems to be working, every aspect of my life is broken.

Everything's fragmented and disorganized.
Never more have I needed a holiday.
Maybe i should just take some money and run away..
Because that's how i deal with everything; i run away.
I need freedom and I need trust, right now i have neither.
I cannot survive like this, my oxygen tank is running out.
I've given you up so why don't I feel any better.
I listened to you, so why haven't things returned to normal.
I am not that girl you saw on the first day of year seven.
I am not her anymore. And i never will be.
I need to break these barriers and run free.
I need freedom, i crave it, i breathe it.
I think I may have just given in.

Nothing feels like enough anymore. My one last hope has diminished.

Today, I was in the school parking lot and I noticed the license plate of the car next to mine was DMBLDOR. The man sitting in it had a long white beard and glasses. I am on to you, Albus.

We share conversations on how we're all just floating... through space and nothing matters.. i'm looking for a pattern.


Is it possible to say... baby lets run away?

Can't we just dissapear and take our chances, on a teenager's romances, put our money where our mouth is.

"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not."

I loved you, you made me, hate me. You gave me, hate, see? It saved me and these tears are deadly. You feel that? I rip back, every time you tried to steal that. You feel bad? You feel sad? I'm sorry, hell no fuck that! It was my heart, it was my life, it was my start, it was your knife. This strife it dies, this life and these lies. And these lungs have sung this song for too long, and its true I hurt too, remember I loved you. I've, lost it all, fell today, It's all the same. I'm sorry oh. I'm sorry, no. I've been abused, I feel so used, because of you. I wish I could I could have quit you. I wish I never missed you, and told you that I loved you. The future that we both drew, and all the shit we've been through. Obsessed with the thought of you, the pain just grew and grew. How could you do this to me? Look at what I made for you, it never was enough and the world is what I gave to you. I used to be love struck; now I'm just fucked up. Pull up my sleeves and see the pattern of my cuts.

Seems like all we had is over now, you left to rest. And your tears are dried up now, you just lay without a sound. Seems like all we had is over now, you left to rest. And my fears are over now, I can leave with my head down.

This has been one of the most lonely weekends i have had in a long time. I am grounded. I feel so disconnected from the world, but at the same time it was nice to have some time alone to think. There is a lot on my mind at the moment and i don't know where to begin. I've been singing, a lot. Music is really keeping me going. I'm thinking i might get a tattoo dedicated to music and what it has done for me over the years. I desperately a holiday. 9 days left of school until the summer holidays. I can't wait. I mean, they will be a lot different to my past summer holidays. I have to write approximately 25,000 words for my school assignments. So, there will be a good three or four weeks dedicated to working. But the rest i'm going to spend on writing songs, going out, seeing friends and having a fucking good time. I went to the councellor for the first time in almost half a year the other day. I told her absolutely everything and she shocked me by telling me how unbelievably proud she is of me. I overcame my eating disorder, i can control my anxiety most of the time, i have dealt with the grief over Belle, i am driving, i am sleeping and i am standing up for myself and doing what i want to do. I never recognized all my achievments, only the problems i still have. It was nice to see myself in a different light. I was absolutely petrified at going back, but i know now that i have to, just at least for this next year, to get my hsc in order and to make sure i'm ready to go out and explore the world on my own. Toby has really been helping me lately, with everything. It's nice to meet someone who has the same viewpoint on the world and who accepts me for who i am. Anyway, im off, i have a shitload of drama notes to write and i have to attempt to clean my room. Au revoir.

Maybe i've been pushing the barriers a bit too far. I've always had this natural interest in going that little bit over the boundary. I am a good person, deep down i know i am. I don't try to hurt people, but i do, that hurts. I don't hurt many people, but the ones i do, are the ones who mean the most. I don't know who i trust anymore and i don't think i even trust myself. I spend too much time thinking and not enough time doing. I have broken down the wall i held up between myself and the person i know i can become. My fear is slowly flying away but at the same time settling somewhere in my mind. It's there, somewhere, but i choose to ignore it and hope it goes away. I have a feeling i am going to lose a lot of friends or potential friendships becoming the person i know myself to really be. I am NOT constantly happy and i do NOT like everyone. I'm fucking sick of pretending and it's going to stop now. I am sick of having to pretend like i respect religion and pray to a God everyday that i know is not real. There is no God, someone created him so that people would have a reason to get through life without grasping the concept that we are what we are and we will never know the real meaning of life and how we got here. Religion is based on fear. You don't need to pretend like there is someone out there looking down on you and making sure you are okay. You don't NEED to trick your mind into believing you will always have something or someone to look after you. You are in control of your body and your actions, not God. If there is a God, then why the hell would he kill the people i love and put so many people through so much pain. If you are up there somewhere, then i don't want to know you, you let this happen. I will continue to push the barriers to the side and discover who i really am.

"Why can't you be like everyone else?" - Mum.

In some unexplainable way, that insult came to me like a compliment.

Last weekend i spent a day at Minamurra rainforest for a geography assignment. I got the chance to take some photos, which i was happy about! Here are a couple i took: