Just 'cause I love playing with lighters.

White trash.

I just don't know what to do with myself.

I look at this photo and wish I could live in that moment, where the wave is frozen in time. I want to lie down on the sand and look, notice every single ripple and drop. This is why I chose to be a photographer, because these moments are too perfect to let pass.

Fuck i need to get out of the house.
It appears that with a lack of social life comes a rise in insanity.
I am in constant need of company, and i don't think that's normal.
Nothing seems to be working, every aspect of my life is broken.

Everything's fragmented and disorganized.
Never more have I needed a holiday.
Maybe i should just take some money and run away..
Because that's how i deal with everything; i run away.
I need freedom and I need trust, right now i have neither.
I cannot survive like this, my oxygen tank is running out.
I've given you up so why don't I feel any better.
I listened to you, so why haven't things returned to normal.
I am not that girl you saw on the first day of year seven.
I am not her anymore. And i never will be.
I need to break these barriers and run free.
I need freedom, i crave it, i breathe it.
I think I may have just given in.

Nothing feels like enough anymore. My one last hope has diminished.

Today, I was in the school parking lot and I noticed the license plate of the car next to mine was DMBLDOR. The man sitting in it had a long white beard and glasses. I am on to you, Albus.

We share conversations on how we're all just floating... through space and nothing matters.. i'm looking for a pattern.


Is it possible to say... baby lets run away?

Can't we just dissapear and take our chances, on a teenager's romances, put our money where our mouth is.

"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not."

I loved you, you made me, hate me. You gave me, hate, see? It saved me and these tears are deadly. You feel that? I rip back, every time you tried to steal that. You feel bad? You feel sad? I'm sorry, hell no fuck that! It was my heart, it was my life, it was my start, it was your knife. This strife it dies, this life and these lies. And these lungs have sung this song for too long, and its true I hurt too, remember I loved you. I've, lost it all, fell today, It's all the same. I'm sorry oh. I'm sorry, no. I've been abused, I feel so used, because of you. I wish I could I could have quit you. I wish I never missed you, and told you that I loved you. The future that we both drew, and all the shit we've been through. Obsessed with the thought of you, the pain just grew and grew. How could you do this to me? Look at what I made for you, it never was enough and the world is what I gave to you. I used to be love struck; now I'm just fucked up. Pull up my sleeves and see the pattern of my cuts.

Seems like all we had is over now, you left to rest. And your tears are dried up now, you just lay without a sound. Seems like all we had is over now, you left to rest. And my fears are over now, I can leave with my head down.

This has been one of the most lonely weekends i have had in a long time. I am grounded. I feel so disconnected from the world, but at the same time it was nice to have some time alone to think. There is a lot on my mind at the moment and i don't know where to begin. I've been singing, a lot. Music is really keeping me going. I'm thinking i might get a tattoo dedicated to music and what it has done for me over the years. I desperately a holiday. 9 days left of school until the summer holidays. I can't wait. I mean, they will be a lot different to my past summer holidays. I have to write approximately 25,000 words for my school assignments. So, there will be a good three or four weeks dedicated to working. But the rest i'm going to spend on writing songs, going out, seeing friends and having a fucking good time. I went to the councellor for the first time in almost half a year the other day. I told her absolutely everything and she shocked me by telling me how unbelievably proud she is of me. I overcame my eating disorder, i can control my anxiety most of the time, i have dealt with the grief over Belle, i am driving, i am sleeping and i am standing up for myself and doing what i want to do. I never recognized all my achievments, only the problems i still have. It was nice to see myself in a different light. I was absolutely petrified at going back, but i know now that i have to, just at least for this next year, to get my hsc in order and to make sure i'm ready to go out and explore the world on my own. Toby has really been helping me lately, with everything. It's nice to meet someone who has the same viewpoint on the world and who accepts me for who i am. Anyway, im off, i have a shitload of drama notes to write and i have to attempt to clean my room. Au revoir.

Maybe i've been pushing the barriers a bit too far. I've always had this natural interest in going that little bit over the boundary. I am a good person, deep down i know i am. I don't try to hurt people, but i do, that hurts. I don't hurt many people, but the ones i do, are the ones who mean the most. I don't know who i trust anymore and i don't think i even trust myself. I spend too much time thinking and not enough time doing. I have broken down the wall i held up between myself and the person i know i can become. My fear is slowly flying away but at the same time settling somewhere in my mind. It's there, somewhere, but i choose to ignore it and hope it goes away. I have a feeling i am going to lose a lot of friends or potential friendships becoming the person i know myself to really be. I am NOT constantly happy and i do NOT like everyone. I'm fucking sick of pretending and it's going to stop now. I am sick of having to pretend like i respect religion and pray to a God everyday that i know is not real. There is no God, someone created him so that people would have a reason to get through life without grasping the concept that we are what we are and we will never know the real meaning of life and how we got here. Religion is based on fear. You don't need to pretend like there is someone out there looking down on you and making sure you are okay. You don't NEED to trick your mind into believing you will always have something or someone to look after you. You are in control of your body and your actions, not God. If there is a God, then why the hell would he kill the people i love and put so many people through so much pain. If you are up there somewhere, then i don't want to know you, you let this happen. I will continue to push the barriers to the side and discover who i really am.

"Why can't you be like everyone else?" - Mum.

In some unexplainable way, that insult came to me like a compliment.

Last weekend i spent a day at Minamurra rainforest for a geography assignment. I got the chance to take some photos, which i was happy about! Here are a couple i took:

Well i've had a few sleepless nights this past week. I end up dragging myself to school and half heartedly talking to people. I haven't really worked hard enough this week, i've just spent it drumming, singing, reading and going for pointless walks around where i live. There is this guy, he has OCD, i see him everytime i go for a walk and it is so horrible. You watch him walk, he takes three steps forward and two back.. constantly. If he goes past a telegraphy pole he has to touch it and walk to the left of it. I see him on the road and i get worried about him getting in an accident. He looks like einstein, crazy hair and all. I wish someone would take him for a walk, he seems awfully lonely. Right now i have a hideous amount of assignments due. Some are absolutely ridiculous too. We have one for english, it is due back on the 2nd day of Term One next year and techincally we aren't allowed to do work in the holidays so she's asking us to do it all in one day. NICE TRY MISS. I wrote some ideas for my extension two short story and handed it in and it turns out she wants me to make my main character addicted to laudanum and for the story to be a parallel narative. No idea why she wants my character to be a drug addict but hey, maybe she thinks im a natural at that type of thing. I can't blame her, most days i turn up looking/feeling like a zombie. I get my work done and get out of there. I'm trying to get out of the house as much as i can, it helps my mood. Tomorrow i'm going to go for a drive with Joe after school. Thursday i have a doctors appointment to get analyzed (joy) for special provisions for the HSC, friday i have extension two, Saturday i'm going to the beach and Sunday i am going to try and see Patrick for a while and catch up on all the work i should be doing. I am a busy bee right now. I reccommend everyone to try the new Special K with chocolately bits, seriously, that stuff is amazing. I have found my breakfast for at least the next year or so. Basically i am over everyone's bullshit and i'm just trying to get where i need to be and hold onto the people who are my real friends. Milly has grown up a lot these past few months. So long to all the people that make me feel like shit; you don't respect me and you aren't worth it.

In other news -

Everything i write looks wrong.
Maybe i should just stick with being mysterious and not say anything.
But where's the fun in that..

There's a thunderstorm right now and it's making me happy.
Really happy.

I want this. I miss making forts.
........it just started raining, i love this.
I should go frolick around the garden.

Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

In my head I play your conversations, Over and over 'til they feel like hallucinations, You know me, I love to lose my mind. And everytime anybody speaks your name, I still feel the same, I ache, I ache, I ache inside. I ache, I ache, I ache inside.

You make me lose all the hope i had in people.
I keep thinking of what to say to you..
But now i realise i'm just wasting my time.

These men deserve a special mention.
Thankyou for all those times you made me cry with laughter.

I'm slowly starting to get back into the groove of school, althought i am very much in need of a holiday. I have started all my major works and i am getting through these ghastly assignments. I got a new drumkit yesterday, so i've been playing heaps, although i'm really rusty seeing as i haven't played without a bad shoulder in years. I'm taking some photos for photography class tonight and i can't wait to see how they will turn out. Anyway, i get to see my lovely boyfriend Patrick tomorrow after school and he has a present for me! I wonder what it is..

3 and a half weeks to go until two months summer holidays. I can't wait.

The point of existence fades to nothing.

I got up the courage to ask my mother if i was still allowed to get a lip piercing during the christmas holidays, hoping she wouldn't change her mind and she thanked me for being mature about it and wanting to get it done professionally. So i'm really glad we are communicating better now. She is slowly getting a little bit more open about who i am and want to be. So yeah, i'm going to make an appointment for sometime in early december. I had a dream last night that facebook had a dislike button, it was epic. Right now i'm just dreaming about my life after the hsc..

I don't know.
I need to fast forward my life.
My brain is filled with numerous thoughts, none of which help my situation.
I'm finding the little things are keeping me going.
I sat in the pouring rain the other day. Crazy. But effective. I fucking loved it.
I'm living on thrills right now. Trying to feel alive. I don't know if i should be worried.
I went to a concert last night - Suffocation and Arch Enemy. I felt alive.
I go to school, i sit at home - i'm dead.
My status of being alive or dead is no longer physical, the spiritual is taking over.
I am a thinker. A person who lives on and in thought.
I have a constant headache.
I need to resuscitate my life.

Stress is starting to kick in. I had extension two this afternoon, we discussed our ideas for the major works, talked about structure and in what direction we want to go with our stories. Basically my idea is constantly evolving, i'm not entirely sure about what direction it is going in but i do have a definite basis of what i want to explore. My story focuses on the human condition, psychology, philosophy and the harsh world we live in and the relationships we make. I want to focus on intimacy. I'm writing down little things i notice about people, mannerisms.. things that make them them. I want to dig deep into the relationship between two people, not necessarily a mutual relationship either. I want it to be a lot more complex than the typical 'boy meets girl' type story. I want to focus on lust, hurt, intensity. I'm going to explore the concept that one action can define the rest of your life. My idea is to write a chapter, a day in the life of my main character. The second chapter begins the same as the first, but an action is changed and the outcome of the story is completely different. This is just the initial idea. It will be a stream of conciousness, modern/post-modern, fragmented type story. I have to start reading up on psychology, literary theorists and watch/read a lot of material. Stressstressstress. But it is a lot of fun.

Never thought you'd make me perspire.
Never thought I'd do you the same.
Never thought I'd fill with desire.
Never thought I'd feel so ashamed.
Me and the dragon can chase all the pain away.

So before I end my day, remember..
My sweet prince, you are the one,
My sweet prince you are the one.
Never thought I'd have to retire.
Never thought I'd have to abstain.
Never thought all this could back fire.
Close up the hole in my vain.
Me and my valuable friend can fix all the pain away.

So before I end my day remember.
My sweet prince you are the one.
My sweet prince you are the one you are the one you are the one you are the one you are the one.

Never thought I'd get any higher.
Never thought you'd fuck with my brain.
Never thought all this could expire.
Never thought you'd go break the chain.
Me and you baby, still flush all the pain away.

So before I end my day remember.
My sweet prince you are the one.
My sweet prince you are the one you are the one you are the one you are the one you are the one you are the one you are the one you are the one you are the one.

My sweet prince. My sweet prince..

Tattoos.

These are the two tattoos i would like to get.
I'm still undecided where to get the second, maybe a shoulderblade.
I want the second for my 18th birthday.

2nd Novembre.

The weather is hotttttt.
I have too much work to do.
And, i'm over school already :/

Buuuut, i'm pretty stoked about being able to get my tattoo in 9 months. I'm taking a lot of photos and i'm singing as often as i can. I have to work super hard on my analytical pieces for advanced, extension one and extension two english. I'm super excited about the Arch Enemy concert on Friday night. I really need to get out there and have a good time, i've spent too much time focusing on the bad. Patrick's cooking me dinner on Thursday night, no idea what he's cooking, but i'm sure it will be really good. He always does the sweetest things for me. My lazyness has started to kick back in. I really need to get my motivation back. My shoulder is actually starting to get a littttttle better, i have been doing exercises that the physio has told me to do and i might actually be able to start drumming again, MAYBE. I'm not getting my hopes up, but it's pretty exciting. Oh lolicles at my mother attempting to sing metal. She's pretty brutal. My dad is even better, he wears my hair extensions like a proper lady should. My dad is a much better 'scene' than i could ever be. A song i'm really enjoying at the moment is Vlad the Impaler by Kasabian, you should listen to it. Anway that is all from me tonight, i am off to throw myself under a waterfall of shower water and immerse myself in the most fantasical body wash i have ever encountered. Toodles.